Feeling It
by crematosis
Summary: As Tony's soulmate, Steve shares almost everything with him. The serum is one notable exception. Steve finds it hard to cope when he's perfectly healed and Tony's still in the hospital in a coma.


A/N: I'm back with another fic from an Avengerkink prompt. It's pretty much all I do these days XD

Disclaimer: I wish I could say I came up with this idea on my own since I love soulmates, but I didn't.

Steve sat down in the chair at Tony's bedside and clasped his husband's hand in his."Tony, baby," he said. "If you can hear me, you need to wake up."

The only answer was the steady beep of the heart monitor.

Steve bowed his head and squeezed his eyes shut. It had been a week already and Tony was still on life support. The doctors were cautiously optimistic that he would pull through, but Steve knew the longer his husband was in a coma, the greater his chances of waking up with brain damage or not waking up at all.

And Steve would never forgive himself if Tony died.

It would be his fault. He was the one who had gotten hit. Over and over and over again by a giant octopus wielding a school bus like a sledgehammer. It would have been funny if he hadn't almost gotten killed before Thor managed to take out the beast with a bolt of lightning.

Right before he blacked out, he remembered seeing Tony falling from the sky.

When he woke up two days later in the hospital, his sides were mottled with bruises and his chest ached from broken ribs still in the process of healing. But the worst part was not being able to feel Tony's presence. For an agonizing minute, he had thought Tony was dead. But if he concentrated hard enough, he could feel the faint flicker that said Tony was still alive, but just barely.

He had kept up a vigil at Tony's bedside ever since. Every morning he waited at Tony's side for some sign that his genius was getting better, getting stronger. But that one tiny spark of life was all that remained of Tony's fiery spirit.

"Please, baby," Steve said. "Come back to me." He reached up to stroke a finger against Tony's cheek, trying to ignore how pale Tony looked, how the bruises stood out against his skin.

This never would have happened if he hadn't soulbonded with Tony.

He had once thought that bonding with the eccentric genius had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. Tony's eyes had lit up the moment their hands touched and he had felt all of Tony's despair, self-hatred, and doubt melt away. Like him, Tony had thought he would never find his soulmate. Steve had resigned himself to dying without ever knowing his other half when he put the plane down in the ice. And in his forties, Tony had somehow convinced himself he would grow old and die without ever finding his perfect match. But against all odds, they had found each other. They were lucky, people said.

Now, Steve wasn't so sure.

Right now, he wished that he had never touched Tony's hand, wished he had never bonded himself to him. Because then Tony would still be out in the field, making sarcastic remarks and drinking just a little too much to cover up how lonely he was. But at least he'd still be vibrantly alive and healthy. Steve would give up their bond in a heartbeat if he knew for sure that it would save Tony and he'd never have to see him hurt again.

But soulbonds didn't work like that. Tony was bound to him permanently. Bound to every stupid move he would ever make.

He was going to get Tony killed. If not now, some day in the future. He couldn't be throwing himself into danger anymore, counting on the serum to keep him alive. He had Tony to think of. Genius, billionaire, superhero, fragile human.

"I'm so sorry, Tony," he said softly.

He placed Tony's hand back on top of the sheets and headed out of the hospital room, feeling hollow and empty.

It was hard to go through the rest of the day with such a heavy weight on his shoulders. He felt like he was just going through the motions, mechanically eating, sleeping, and filling out mission briefings.

He didn't know how he had functioned before he met Tony. He had survived for twenty-seven years without him, but it didn't seem possible now. Without feeling Tony's bright flares of emotion, the world seemed like a cold, gray wasteland. And he had to make sense of it alone.

Agent Coulson and Director Fury had made it clear that he didn't have to do any more work for SHIELD while Tony was hospitalized. He could stay at Tony's bedside as long as he wanted.

Half of him wanted that, wanted to stay fixed at Tony's side until he woke up. But the other half couldn't bear to see him in such a state.

So, he went back to work for SHIELD, clearing out the backlog of Avengers mission reports. He was glad for the work. As tedious as it was, at least it helped him stop thinking for a little while.

And after work, he went back to his old apartment to spend the night. He couldn't stand being in the Tower anymore. Tony's bed was so cold without Tony in it. And he was tired of all the pitying looks from Bruce and Clint every morning.

Of course they pitied him. Soulmates were supposed to live in sync, sharing pain, pleasure, and everything in between. He was supposed to be knocked on his ass just as hard as Tony was. But the serum screwed everything up.

He could transfer the pain to Tony, but not his healing capabilities. It just wasn't fair. He was the one who should be in the hospital. Because it was his damn fault that the octopus had hit him. But Tony was the only one suffering the consequences.

Two weeks in and there was still no sign of Tony waking up. It was just two weeks, he told himself. The nurses were still confidently assuring him that the chances of recovery were good. The bruises and broken ribs were mending nicely, they pointed out. In another week, Tony would look as good as new.

But he might still not be awake.

"I'm sorry," he told Tony again."You're hurt because of me. And I would give anything to take that back." He kissed the back of Tony's hand. "I'd take it all back. Every happy memory."

As soon as he walked out of Tony's room, Natasha shoved him up against the wall. "You're getting soft, Rogers," she said with a small smirk. "I shouldn't be able to do this to you."

He sighed. "I'm really not in the mood for whatever this is."

"Human interaction," she said. "Because I've noticed you're not doing enough of that lately."

"Good talk," Steve said dryly. He shoved her off.

What did she know? Just because he wasn't spending time with the other Avengers, it didn't mean he was hiding away from the whole world. He interacted with the nurses just fine. They were always happy to discuss Tony's condition with him and buy him a cup of coffee because even they tended to pity him.

"Steve," she said in a quieter tone. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't exactly ask for that thing to beat you to a pulp."

Steve shrugged. "Doesn't change a thing. Tony's still in a coma."

It didn't matter what his intentions were. He would never purposefully hurt Tony. But it had happened anyway.

"You can't hold yourself responsible for everything that ever happens to him."

"But I'm his soulmate. Of course I'm responsible for him."

She shook her head sadly. "The only thing you're responsible for is getting him better."

"I can't," Steve said. "Don't you think I'd heal him if I could? The serum just doesn't work that way."

"I'm not talking about the serum. I'm talking about your attitude." She put her hands on her hips. "You know how sensitive you are to each other's emotions. And if he can sense you blaming him for-"

"I'm not blaming him." How could she possibly think he was blaming Tony?

"You're blaming your bond, which is just as bad. Do you really think you're the only person in the world to feel terrible seeing his soulmate suffer a sympathetic injury?"

"Well, I'm the only one who has to see my soulmate in a coma."

She rolled her eyes. "You are absolutely hopeless." She jabbed a finger into his chest. "Let me spell it out for you, Rogers. Knock off the negativity or he's not going to get better." She spun on her heel. "Don't keep blaming him for bonding with you," she called over her shoulder.

Steve sighed and rested his head back against the wall. He didn't blame Tony for bonding with him. Tony had wanted a soulmate for so long and when Steve finally appeared, he had jumped straight into the bonding ceremony with his usual impulsiveness. Steve should have been the cooler head, the one cautioning them to wait until their lives were less dangerous. But he had been just as eager to bond with Tony, forgetting about all the consequences.

When he returned home, there was a package waiting on his doorstep and a note in Natasha's familiar script. "He made the choice," it read.

He was tempted to toss the entire thing in the trash on principle, but he knew Natasha was only trying to help. So he set the package on the kitchen counter and looked forlornly at the beer in the refrigerator. What he wouldn't do to get drunk and just forget about all his problems. But if he tried, he wouldn't get drunk and Tony would come down with a bad case of alcohol poisoning.

He shut the fridge and flopped down on the couch. Oh well. Better see what other scathing criticisms Natasha had for him.

Inside the package was a series of discs. Steve stuck the first one in the DVD player and sucked in a breath as Tony's face filled the screen.

He sat way too close to the TV and reached out a hand to stroke Tony's image. This was footage from their bonding ceremony. He recognized the tuxedo Tony was wearing. And as Tony stepped back from the camera a little, he could see the rest of their friends gathered to witness their union.

It had to have been taken after the ceremony had formally ended, judging from the radiant smile on Tony's face and the glass of champagne in his hand. Yes, this had to be the afterparty.

"Watch this, camera guy," Tony said with an impish smile. The camera followed him as he made his way onto the stage, still clutching his glass of champagne.

"Hey, guys," Tony called out. "Listen up. I've got a few things to say." Tony waited a moment for the chatter to die down. "Cap's really changed my life, you know. Do you know how long it's been since I've gotten drunk?"

There was laughter from the audience and Clint's voice calling out, "You're drunk right now, dumbass."

Tony waved a hand dismissively. "This is nothing," he said. "I'm just drunk enough to start saying stupid sappy shit. But I'm going to wake up tomorrow remembering everything I said. I'm sure Pepper and Rhodey can tell you all numerous tales of all the times I got blackout drunk in college, after my parents died, after one-night stands that went nowhere..." Tony trailed off and looked down into his glass with a slight frown on his face.

Onscreen, Steve was whispering to Tony and trying gently to lead him offstage before he embarrassed himself further.

Tony brightened. "But I have Steve now," he said. "And Steve and I are soulmates so I'm never going to be alone again. Three cheers for Steve." He lifted his glass high into the air, accidentally sloshing champagne over himself.

Steve sat in silence as the video faded out to black.

He had forgotten how much Tony drank before they met. Natasha had been there for the infamous birthday party where Tony thought he was dying and according to her report, Tony was lucky he hadn't woken up the next morning in a pool of his own vomit.

These days, Tony only had a beer or two on the weekends or after a really long day of meeting with investors. He hadn't been drunk in over a year.

Steve shut his eyes. So, if they had never bonded, Tony might still be out there in the field. But he might also be slowly dying of alcohol poisoning or liver damage.

He reached for the next disc.

The next video was set in the common room, with Steve and Tony reclining on the couch together. It seemed silly for someone to have videotaped such an everyday occurrence, but then Steve saw the bandage wrapped around Tony's thumb.

Tony gingerly waved his arm at the camera."Hi, I'm the idiot who soldered my own thumb last night."

"You're not an idiot," Steve said. "I don't function very well after a sleepless night either."

Tony grimaced. "Yeah, sorry about that."

Steve kissed Tony's shoulder. "I'm just glad that your thumb's okay."

"And I'm sorry about that, too."

"Don't worry. The serum took care of the pain pretty quickly."

"Still, I should never have gotten you hurt in the first place."

Steve smiled. "It was worth it. I'm glad the serum healed me so quickly, because now I have the chance to look after you and nurse you back to health."

Son of a bitch.

Steve barked out a laugh as he leaned back on the couch. Natasha was devious. Using his own words against him. He supposed he couldn't thank the serum when it was saving him from Tony's injuries and curse it when it saved him from his own. He was going to make sure Tony woke up from this coma and then he was going to nurse him back to health again, just like he had before.

Tony needed him. Now more than ever.

The nurse at the front desk seemed surprised to see him back so soon, but she let him up to Tony's room again.

Steve sat in his usual spot at Tony's bedside and took his hand, but he remained silent. He could keep his negative thoughts to himself for awhile.

Tony needed his presence, not his despair.

He stroked the back of Tony's hand. Tony really was looking a lot healthier now. Most of the bruises had faded and his skin had returned to its normal tan hue. He looked like he was only sleeping, as if any moment he would roll over and start snoring. Steve's mouth twisted wistfully. He had been so annoyed by Tony's snoring, but now he would give anything just to hear that ridiculous sound one more-

With an effort, he pulled himself out of his despondency. It wasn't going to do Tony any good to mope. He could savor all the little moments he had missed when he had Tony safe and sound back home.

He took a deep breath. "Hey, babe," he said. "It's me again. Sorry about earlier. I can get kind of maudlin sometimes. But you already know that because soulmates." He squeezed Tony's hand. "Look what a mess I am without you. I'm always worried about every little thing that could go wrong and you're always there to assure me that I can't plan for every possibility. Sometimes I just have to roll with the punches and work it out on the fly."

He brought Tony's hand up to his mouth and kissed it. "Finding you was never part of the plan, but I'm glad I had enough sense to take the chance I've been given. Because bonding with you has been the best thing that's even happened to me. We fit together so perfectly, balancing each other out. And I just feel so incomplete without you."

He traced the veins in Tony's wrist with his thumb, imagining that he was stroking that tiny wisp of Tony's consciousness, willing it to spread life back through Tony's still form.

The brief flare of heat he felt startled him enough to drop Tony's hand back onto the bed.

"Tony?" he said in disbelief.

Tony still lay unmoving on the bed, but Steve swore he felt warmth coursing through his body, wrapping around him like a phantom hug.

"Tony, can you hear me?"

The heart monitor beeped loudly. He looked wildly around at the other monitors at Tony's bedside. They all showed an increase in his vital signs.

"Holy shit," Steve said. "Natasha was right."

Tony's amusement bubbled up beneath Steve's skin like champagne and he found himself laughing helplessly.

A nurse was going to walk in any moment, see him giggling over his husband's body, and assume the stress had driven him mad. But he didn't care. Tony was going to be okay and that was all that mattered.

Steve pressed kisses to the back of Tony's hand, his palm, and down his arm all the way to his elbow. "Oh, Tony," he said. "You have no idea how much I've missed you." He paused. "Or maybe you do." Because again, soulmates.

Another laugh burst out of him and he playfully poked Tony's shoulder. "Oh, come on. It wasn't that funny."

But it was good sign that Tony could find the humor in his situation. He had to be feeling a lot better now.

Steve squeezed Tony's hand. "You're doing so good, baby. I can't wait until I can take you home and fuss over you." He knew how much Tony hated hospital food. But when Tony was finally discharged from the hospital, he was going to make him anything and everything he wanted to eat.

And, oh, he could tell how excited Tony was for that.

"But don't push yourself," he warned. "If I take you home and you collapse, you're going right back to the hospital."

He hoped it wouldn't have to come to that. But he knew how often Tony insisted he was fine when he wasn't to avoid medical. Now that they were soulmates, Tony couldn't lie about the pain anymore and when Steve insisted Tony's injuries needed to be looked at, he usually went in without an argument. Usually. Tony was just stubborn enough that he'd try to set his own broken bones while a battle was still ongoing. And Steve knew that after being in a coma for two weeks, Tony wasn't going to want to spend another second in the hospital.

But that was fine. Once Tony woke up, Steve could look after him and make sure he didn't overexert himself. He wasn't going to be happy about being banned from the workshop for a few days, but it was a necessary sacrifice.

The hug turned a little sharp and Steve snickered. Just the reaction he had been expecting. "It's just until you get your strength back," he assured him. "You've been lying in bed for two weeks. Do you really think you can go right back to work after that? The first thing you'll end up doing is soldering your finger again."

And that was good for another laugh. Yep, Tony was going to be okay.

Steve leaned over the bed to kiss Tony's cheek. "You sit tight for me, baby, and focus on getting better. I'm going to call the others and tell them the good news."

He hated to leave Tony's bedside now when he was making so much progress, but news this good had to be shared as soon as possible. And it wasn't as if he was really leaving Tony there in the hospital bed. He had his presence with him now, a comforting warmth settled under his skin. Right where it belonged.

When he left Tony's room, Natasha was leaning casually against the opposite wall, staring at her phone. But he had no doubt she was still completely aware of everything around her.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Welcome back to the land of the living," she said without looking up from the phone. She pushed off from the wall and walked up to him with a smile."He must be awake."

Steve shook his head. "Not yet."

She raised an eyebrow. "No?"

"It's just," Steve swallowed against the lump in his throat, "I can feel him again."

Natasha rubbed his shoulder. "He's going to pull through just fine."

"I know," Steve said. He tapped a finger against her phone. "Will you pass on the news for me?"

Natasha nudged him. "We're having a barbecue tonight. You can share the good news then."

"I don't really feel like-"

"I get it," she said. "It's hard to have fun when he's still in the hospital. But he's coming back. And that's something worth celebrating, right?"

Steve chewed his bottom lip. "I'll think about it."

She squeezed his shoulder. "The last thing you need is to be alone right now."

He nodded slowly. When he was left alone with his thoughts, all he could think about was the negative. Tony's presence was soothing, comforting. A vibrant heat that melted the icy grip of panic. But still, Tony was lying unmoving in that hospital bed. And Steve wasn't going to stop worrying about him until he was awake, alert, and cracking jokes. Maybe a party wasn't such a bad idea. He could really use something to keep his mind off Tony's condition.

"Great," Natasha said. She tugged at his arm. "Everybody's been missing you."

Steve allowed her to pull him in the direction of the elevator. There was so much he had apparently missed in the weeks he had been away and Natasha seemed determined to fill him in on every minute detail. He didn't have any opinion about the ongoing Toaster Strudel vs. Poptarts debate and he didn't even know what the Legend of Zelda was, much less whether he could agree with Clint that it sucked. But it was still nice to hear what everybody had been up to.

Clint greeted them at the door, a Wii controller in one hand and a beer in the other. "Welcome back, Cap," he said, pulling him into an awkward hug. "How's Tony?"

"Better," Steve said.

"That's good," he said. His smile faded a little. "We're here for you, you know. If you need anything, anything at all-"

"Your tiny elf has been bested in combat by the great warrior Marth," Thor announced from the other room.

"You motherfucker," Clint shouted. "How dare you use Cap's visit as an excuse to cheat."

"My apologies, Captain," Thor said in a quieter tone. "I was not aware of your arrival."

Steve snorted. Oh, how he had missed his team in all their dysfunctional glory.

He soon found himself dragged into Clint and Thor's game. He had no idea what he was doing, but listening to Clint and Thor's playful bickering made him realize that didn't matter. So what if his character fell off the side of the cliff a few times? Clint and Thor's characters were going flying off the screen left and right and all they did was laugh and tease each other. So maybe he wasn't doing so bad after all.

Bruce and Natasha were out on the patio barbecuing, but she came inside every so often to get Clint and Thor another beer and snag a bite of the onion dip Clint had whipped up.

Steve allowed himself one beer, Tony's favorite IPA. He drank it over the course of the evening, savoring each sip. It wasn't enough to get Tony drunk and it certainly wasn't enough to get him even tipsy. But it was just enough to feel a little surge of happiness from Tony. If he concentrated hard enough, he could almost pretend that Tony curled up on the couch at his side, contentedly sipping his own beer.

Natasha poked her head through the door. "Food's ready. And don't even think of asking me to bring you a plate, Clint. We're all eating outside tonight."

Clint and Natasha got into their usual argument over the lounge chairs closest to the pool while everyone else helped themselves to grilled corn, coleslaw, and hamburgers.

Steve took one of the chairs furthest away from the action and just observed.

It was a lot quieter without Tony. He would have been trying to push Clint into the pool, making ridiculous puns that made Bruce laugh, and attempting to convince Thor that hamburgers needed to be topped with grape jelly or some such nonsense. Everyone was still chatting happily and enjoying sitting outside in the sunshine, but the party was a lot more subdued without Tony's larger than life presence.

"The only difference between a picnic and a party is me," Tony had said once.

Steve was a little more inclined to believe him now.

They all stayed out on the patio long after the sun set. Thor lit a bonfire and they huddled around eating s'mores and swapping ghost stories and campfire songs.

It was almost 1 a.m. when Bruce yawned and announced he was heading to bed. Natasha followed suit a few minutes later and then Thor was carrying a sleeping Clint upstairs.

Steve lingered outside for another hour, watching the flames lick their way up the pieces of wood. He always associated Tony's presence with some form of fire. In everyday life, having Tony in the back of his mind was like being curled up in front of the hearth on a cold day. In battle, Tony blazed with determination. And in the bedroom, Tony was a smoldering heat that threatened to consume him.

Watching the flames dance, Steve felt more lonely than ever. And it was never good when he was alone with his thoughts.

He rose and put the fire out.

He needed sleep. He hadn't been sleeping well since Tony had been in the hospital. Now that he was starting to recover, he didn't need to stay up all night worrying. But it'd be hard to get any sleep anyway.

It was the first time he'd slept in their shared bed in two weeks. The sheets still smelled like Tony, like the last time Steve had pressed him down into the mattress. And there was the echo of Tony crying out his name.

But the bed was still cold and empty.

Steve closed his eyes and breathed in Tony's scent. He was so tired. Exhausted, really. He rolled onto his side and balled up the blankets, imagining Tony snuggling into his chest. It was pretty pathetic how much he missed his husband. But Tony wasn't judging him. Steve could feel an undercurrent of loneliness when Tony reached out with his reassurance.

Poor Tony. All alone in the hospital. Steve was going to back and visit him in the morning. Tell him all about the little party they had had. But sleep came first. And warmed by the blankets and Tony's reassuring presence, Steve finally drifted off to sleep.

All he could see was Tony lying prone on the hospital bed, his eyes vacant and glassy as he slowly bled out onto the crisp white sheets.

He woke with a gasp.

Tony wasn't there to wrap his arms around him and whisper in his ear that it was just a dream. The frantic, fluttering feeling beneath his skin was all he had.

It was only 4 a.m., but he hurriedly threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and raced over to the hospital.

The panic had to be clear in his face because the nurse at the front desk quickly assured him that there had been no change to Tony's condition.

"I know," Steve said. "But I have to see him anyway."

Visiting hours weren't until six, but she took pity on him and showed him up to Tony's room.

He sank to his knees beside the bed and pressed his cheek against Tony's hand. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "I just need you to be okay."

How much longer could he go on like this? Having Tony in the back of his head wasn't enough. His body ached for him, yearned to feel that he was alive.

He was so focused on the warmth of Tony's hand that it took a moment to notice the brief caress of fingertips against his cheek.

He jerked upright. "Tony! You're awake."

Tony smiled at him wearily. "Of course I am. You need me."

"I'll always need you," Steve said. He settled onto the bed beside Tony and leaned over to kiss his forehead.

Tony shifted a little to put his head in Steve's lap. He gazed up at him adoringly. "Missed you," he said.

"I missed you, too. Can't wait to take you back home with me."

Tony stifled a yawn. "Won't be long now." He patted Steve's knee awkwardly. "I need to go back to sleep for a little bit, but I just wanted you to know I'm going to be okay."

"Okay," Steve said. "Get some rest. I'll be here when you wake up."

Tony smiled and rolled onto his side, snuggling into the pillow. Steve stroked his back until he heard faint snoring. Oh, it was so good to hear that sound again.

He pressed another kiss to Tony's forehead and stepped out of the room to text Natasha: _He woke up_.

Less than a minute later, celebratory texts poured in from Clint, Bruce, Thor, and even Coulson.

And then a final text from Natasha: _Get off the phone and be with him :)_

Steve grinned helplessly as he slipped the phone back into his pocket. All was right with the world now.


End file.
